“I know this sounds kind of strange, but I think the top part of my fingers look fat, so I want a ring that, like, camouflages that.”
A young woman accompanied by some friends had stopped by the store shortly before closing to look at engagement rings. All were lovely, slender, conventionally attractive women. One friend, I’d find out, was a model, still in full makeup from a gig earlier in the day.
I briefly contemplated the concerned woman’s fingers splayed out before me. She wiggled them back and forth, lost in thought, as she admired an oval halo engagement ring. I gently said what I almost always say now in a situation like this.
“Okay, if that’s a concern of yours, we will find a ring that you feel wonderful wearing.”
I have found it best not to tell a female customer that I don’t agree with her insecurity, or that I don’t see whatever flaw she supposedly has. You see, it doesn’t matter if you or I see a flaw. All that matters is that she sees it.
I spent a good portion of my life experiencing the super fun combination of being overweight and having low self esteem, so I know what it’s like to feel self-conscious about just about any bodily imperfection the mind is capable of perceiving. (Or inventing.) But that doesn’t mean I’m not still occasionally surprised by what female jewelry shoppers are concerned about. Here are just a few things I’ve heard, in their words:
Fat fingers, ugly fingers, long fingers, short fingers, large hands, small hands, veiny hands, old-looking hands, toe thumbs, large knuckles, fat wrists, fat necks, droopy earlobes, large ears, ears that stick out, and I’m going to stop there because I think you get the idea.
Let me tell you something. No man that I’ve worked with at Zadok Jewelers has ever expressed insecurity about having fat fingers, and I have sold men’s bands in sizes so large that the band had to be custom-made. On occasion, a man with a smaller-than-average wrist will express dissatisfaction with the fact that the watch industry trended toward larger case sizes in recent years. Although now that Switzerland has woken up and realized that not everyone wants a hockey puck on their wrist, I don’t hear that as much. Generally speaking, the guys have no hangups.
We women, on the other hand, have received subtle and not-so-subtle messages since birth telling us that our physical appearance is of utmost importance. When we’re young, many of us spend a great deal of time and energy preoccupied with meeting the ideal beauty standard of the time. Later, as youth fades, we become concerned with aging, because to be an old woman, apparently, is to be invisible.
This is exactly as depressing as it sounds, but it doesn’t have to be this way. My life became a million times better when I stopped feeling bad about every single flaw I could find while looking in the mirror. When I made every effort to accept myself no matter what, even before I lost 30 pounds. When I realized that I don’t have to feel guilty for for eating “bad” food , because food doesn’t have a moral value and I enjoyed that cupcake, damn it. It was, and still is, a process. I still have bad days sometimes, days when I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. But for the most part, I feel free in a way that I didn’t for far too many years.
And I wish I could say something like this to every woman who frowns and sighs and fusses over her fingers, or her ears, or her neck. But I won’t; that’s not my job and it’s not my place. I will simply do my best to find her something that makes her eyes light up when she puts it on. Something she can wear, look in the mirror and feel good about. I will tell her, “Don’t worry, we will find something you feel wonderful wearing.”
Because I know exactly how she feels.