Hey all you cool cats and kittens!
Excuse me, you. Yeah, you! Over there! I see you on your couch, about to click play on yet another viral video of a crying nurse in New York. Put the phone down, now. And you, over there! Don’t you think you’ve watched enough live daily press conferences to make you want to inject disinfectant directly into your veins, as contemplated by our very own president? Just turn off the television. And you, the one Googling about antibody testing for the umpteenth time. Back away from the search engine and listen up.
You’re all victim to what I call the Covid Spiral, driving yourselves insane devouring every bit of news about COVID-19 for the sake of staying informed. But there is such a thing as being too informed about the beast I refer to as the ‘Rona. We’ve all been there, but there is a cure. That cure, my friends, comes in the form of polygamous Oklahoman tiger breeder Joe Exotic. I’m talking about “Tiger King,” of course!
What, you haven’t watched it yet? It’s been out for a month already! That’s, like, five years in global pandemic time. You think you’re above that type of programming? Well, friends, I’m here to tell you that you’re not. None of us are. Quarantine is a great equalizer that way. And nothing will pull you out of the Covid Spiral like wondering how Joe Exotic can convince multiple young straight men to marry him when he’s not even rich. (Spoiler alert: the answer is meth. The answer is always meth.)
Why am I writing about this? Because people, there are some seriously iconic jewelry looks on this show. Let’s take a look, shall we?
Joe Exotic (the Tiger King himself)
This is Joe Exotic, aka the Tiger King, wearing his everyday jewelry look. I’m pretty sure he’s one of those people who sleeps and showers in their jewelry. (A word to those people: don’t do that.) Let’s first look at the eyebrow ring, which is hanging on for dear life. This is the piece of jewelry that Joe is most known for. Nothing wrong with having a signature piece! It’s even inspired a meme or two. Here’s my favorite:
But let’s not ignore his ears! It looks like we have five hoop earrings on his right ear and two on his left with a small stud in the middle. Asymmetry is in, so he’s certainly on trend.
What is this jewelry made out of? I’m going to guess stainless steel. Okay, moving on.
Carole Baskin
Am I the only one who doesn’t think Carole Baskin killed her husband and fed him to the tigers? I’m just not buying it! Cardi B and I will have to disagree on that. What I am buying is her Washington, D.C. lobbying look, which consists of a leopard print and pearls. See, pearls really do go with anything! Way to class it up, Carole. I don’t know if they’re real, but no matter!
John Finlay
John Finlay is the first of Joe Exotic’s husbands that we’re introduced to during the course of the show. He is really something!
He shares Joe Exotic’s affinity for an asymmetrical look and also wears multiple hoop earrings, but one of his is black! Nice mixing of metal colors, John! Check out his yellow gold (?) chain. Every time I answer a phone call at Zadok and it’s someone asking if we carry men’s chains, the above image will flash through my mind.
Doc Antle
Doc Antle is something else, what with his safari park and his harem of women attending to the big cats with no vacation days. You know someone is 100% a cult leader when they insist “they’re free to leave at any time.” Since you can’t exist as a big player in the world of big cats without some earrings, let’s take a look at Doc’s:
He goes for a classic gold hoop! He wears these in just about every scene. I think his are real gold. I’m even going to go out on a limb and say I think they’re 18k gold, because I think Doc Antle would shell out for the good stuff.
Federal Prosecutor Amanda Green
I have to commend this woman for keeping a straight face the entire time she was on camera talking about Joe Exotic. You would think she was talking about a run of the mill criminal, not a disturbed tiger breeder who is laughably inefficient when it comes to contract killing.
I know because of friends and female customers who are lawyers that they have to be conservative in appearance not just with clothing, but with their jewelry. So this slim, mid-size yellow gold hoop does the trick! Classic and timeless and also perfect to wear when you’re trying to forget that you will forever have an IMDB profile tying you to this wackadoodle Netflix show. I’m gonna call it and say her earrings, like Doc Antle’s, are 18k gold.
Jeff Lowe
When ultimate creep/hot nanny lover/generally angry human Jeff Lowe first popped on screen wearing a huge watch, I immediately thought it was an older Breitling for Bentley model. I can’t get a close enough look to see, but now I’m thinking it isn’t. That may actually be a diamond bezel. There were discussions about this on some watch forums, but no one is sure.
And that’s all, folks. If I write about anyone else on “Tiger King,” my brain will explode. But I didn’t think about the damn virus once while writing this post. See? I told you it works!
You can read my other Jewels on Screen post here.